STOP LOOKING AT ME

I'm tired of not being pretty enough.
I'm tired of not being skinnny enough.
I'm tired of never being good enough.
No matter how hard I try,
I'm so tired of the lack of love in my life,
so much so that I could die.

Im so tired of the lies.

Death isn't a punishment anymore
it's a release from my life.
From all the pain,
and all the blame
From all the shame,
and the fucking games.

From all the hurt that I can't take anymore.

You can't see me but I'm broken,
everysmile on my face is forced.
Often times I wish that I
could disapear with the sunset.
How priceless it would be to just forget.
All the pain that I feel inside.
To wither away with the sun my bestfriend.

To become like the void that I feel inside.

Often times when I close my eyes at night
I think about how it would be if I never rose again.
And at night I cry to loud music to hide my pain.
I don't feel like hearing false concerns of how I'm doing
and what's the matter.
While I punch my stomach for reminding me
I'm starving myself to keep from getting fatter.


Sometimes I am jealous of air headed preps
who are too feebleminded to be unconventional.
I haven't met someone yet
that is as uncomfortable in their own skin
as I am.

And these feelings that stir within me,
bottled up for years.
Over crowed in my body
ready to flood my soul.
Jealousy,
rage,
pain and lonelyness.
Things that make me hunger for comfort.

At night I cry sometimes
inside,
aloud,
and I hear it echo in my soul.


Don't reach out to touch me,
you might get cut on my jagged tounge.
Never have I thought that I would let them get me here
but I am.

Crying,
screaming,
Wailing out,
as I paste a smile to my face
and my tears are so loud you can hear a strand of hair make a sound.

Don't look at me because your stares hurt.
If you only knew me, and the true person inside of me.
All Im looking for is someone to love me
but don't look at me.

Inferiority Complex

There are times
when I find myself
wandering,
in circles,
lost within the caotic cosmos of my mind.

It is in here I search
the unfiled documents of my life
for meaning.

Seduced into the fanciful world
of reality
reality they're all too ashamed of,
I feed the addict
within my soul.

Threatening to kill off its host
animalistic instincts crown
causing exhile.

Jumping
from windows, determined
to attend the revolution,
absent,
on misunderstood tantrums,
absent,
seeking comfort on senes deemed too obsecne,
absent,
chronically from role call "clicheically" transparent.

Let them know that its no longer their show.

SCREAM bitch SCREAM,
shatter that glass heel they expect yo ass to fill

SCREAM bitch SCREAM, let them know you'll survive.
SCREAM bitch SCREAM, become their idea of unacceptable.
YELL, SHOUT, and KICK BITCH, if you value your life.
Be heard BITCH, and stake claim of your soul.

A BIG Collection of small poems

It's that New York feeling

Bright lights and flashing signs,
aching souls
painfully in need
of comforting.

She bends over
shame in her eyes,
his dirty married fingers
stoll down her thighs.

She is so foreign
to this pain.
A tear rolls down her face
and she cries so silently
as her soul is taken away.
****************************************************
Alone feeling

Wisper into distant ears
dreams lonely hearts hide.
Rugged spirit so gentle inside,
intertwined
like she once embodied his auora.
Crooned back to a voice unseen.

She tries to love patiently but begins to scream,

loose me on the waves of your voice and the contours of your soul.
Free me forever on the orange Arizona rodes.
Hold me and we melt into one,
leaving me so feverishly strung out,
begging for more.

And we will fit into life
as the sea upon the shore.
Love bountiful as sand on the ocean floor.
****************************************************
In Starbucks' window

I am always sitting in a window,
watching.

Spending my time
watching
life walk past me,
happy couples look through me.

I'm always trapped in the window,
awaiting my turn to walk away and never return.
****************************************************
Thoughts at a lawn party

Fly away firefly,
on you I send all my hopes.
The messages that I cannot give out in person.
Please wisper them in the glowing summer breath of July.

Would you stop over the ocean
and leave my hopes there?
Come,
I would like to know all that you have seen.
Wisper them in my ear
I'll keep them forever in my heart.
****************************************************
The Autumn Maiden Whisper

Wrap me in the crisp blast of fall.
Perfect days when your sighs against the air
creates crystal vapors of honey essence.

Come close for we are under the harvest moon.
Run through the forest
on a sea of cracked shriveled blossoms.

Divulge in each other
as we prepare for winter's kiss.
****************************************************
Platonic Arrows

Strech me out against the balmy night's sky,
and listen to the stars twinkling.
Tell them your troubles,
an' they'll hang off of every word.

Lets play together while Im alone
in the morning dew of grass.
I'll climb up a blade
and fall silently to my death.

Released

Two years,
minus one or two months,
you know, give or take.

Some how woven
into every tapastry of my daily life, he was.
Stuck, somewhere between agape and arrows.

My tounge
and the inner cavities of my mouth
were forever stained with the build up of film
that was left behind after dropping his name.

Like most leos
he required the sun to forever shine
in the cast of his shadow,
and I allowed it.

My ear played a stage
for the rasp that rung from the pits of his gut.
Yet he was gutless, completely hollow
I too became the same
when I heard the fierce dial tone
he left me with.

And it echoed in my heart.

Life

She dances upon frothy masses
of summer cushions,
and dwells in pure crystallizations of day's break.


She is as simplistic as a white daisy
woven in silky hair,
and as vibrant
as innosence found in youth.
She is a kiss good morning and a hug good bye.


She rides the lam with the sun to the west
when he says goodnight,
and it is her who your hair plays upon as it dances at the ocean.

She is in the joyous eyes of a toddlerand the embrace of a lover.


She is the simple things that mean everything.
She is life and wonder.Nature in her true form.

I know now that life is a woman.

The Rainbow of My Life

What if I used fourty shades of gray to portray this picture? Red isn't something I've experienced yet, nor yellow or blue.

Only complex shades of dullen gray,
not white or extreme black.

Only variations of the same day
that leaves you empty at the end of it all.

Thank You to the Media

With it, always, never without it.
So ready to hide any imperfection
IMPERFECTION
that would sway their eyes.

THEIR eyes, always with their eyes.
She wanted them so bad.
They burnt her but she was addicted
she could only see herself in the reflection of their eyes.

No one knew she stood in the mirror
attempting to find the love in their eyes for herself.
The love that her eyes lacked.

Her eyes, they were her weapon
dress them up, and make them want them.
Her mission was to make their eyes want her
teasing, tempting, seducing, never keeping their promises.
She had lying eyes.

My weapon, my beauty, the lack, the abundace it's odd and intruiging. My weapon, myself, myself, sell my stares, myself, I'm empty, confused. Ready to wipe away imperfections.

And my make up, it holds the magic.

My HABit

Notice me: Curves spill from the absence of her clothes,
an' myself I find lost on the celestrial continent of her skin

Caress me: She is a visual orgasam I have time and time again
and time and time again I love her

Embrace me: She ate the sky sideways with her mouth
it stains her lips,

leaving them moist

Love me: and she has loved devouring the sky
I know she has
I can hear it in her throat
as her sentences float on golden chords
spun from the clouds

Adore me: She fills my voids and makes me whole
Leaving me to feel unworthy at times

My habit that I never want to give up

SPAM

Stabbed in a million places,
not a knife in sight
Cut upon vital organs,
without any wounds
Hollowed out inside,
tears iching behind my eyes.
Licking upon my heart
like flames upon flesh.
All beauty burns me,
I get so tired of it
and aspiring to embody it.

Free sprit
caged
within this place.
Dry tears
and silet wails.
Gazing into the sunset,
dreaming
of free sky and a light heart.

Growing restless of my desire
to be held,
and to hold.
Becoming impatient
with my need
for seculded attention.
Begining to hate my yearning,
feigning,
wanting.
Ashamed
because Im unsure if they are shared.

Oh shit I think love you.

So scared to be held,
in fear I might like it.
Afraid to love you,
for you might not return.
So I'll just bury my feelings, these unwanted feelings
I don't want to like you,
I'm so terrified that I want to be your wife.

I tremble at night because I want to have your child.
But is the guilt yours or mine? I want to be your whole life.
Why do I like you? especially since I don't want to.
So I'll just bury these feelings,
these unwanted feel.....
Oh shit Im IN LOVE.